Official Jokes Thread

[tom,s]

A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. He checks them out, but isn't fully convinced they
are worth $50. The salesman assures him that they work and that
$50 is a great price. The blonde decides to buy them.

On his way home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo, he
sees everyone in the street naked!

He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes
on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! 'Cool!'

As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his
wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his
wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and
the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still
naked.

He throws down the glasses in disgust and says, 'Damn, I just
paid fifty-bucks for these, and they're already broken!'

[Jackie B]

When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea,"

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so, of course, I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was."

[Jackie B]

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it`s normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "Thats disgusting! I don`t have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That`s easy... the pupil of the eye." "That`s correct, Johnny. very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I`ve three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn`t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you`re in for a big big disappointment!"

[Jackie B]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659...CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a broad grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more aamused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor,it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn`t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, `The Double mint twins are comin' and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,"Logan`s liniment will reduce the swelling; and I had to smile.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William`s big slick did the trick", and I could hardly contain myself."

"But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, `Goodyear rubber could have prevented this accident'..I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

[tom,s]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood.

When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will
warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and when he
comes back he says,

"Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm
them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again,

"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears
ever get cold?"

[tom,s]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

(1) There' s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
(2) It chatters constantly at high speeds.
(3) Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
(4) The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
(5) The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[tom,s]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

[tom,s]

Wendy meets Tammy for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Tammy. Did you have a late night?"

"Yes," replies Tammy, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie.

He gave me a choice of two wishes."

"Wow," says Wendy, "so what were the choices he gave you, Tammy?"

"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger d1ck."

"So tell me already, Tammy, what did you choose?"

"I can't remember," replies Tammy.

[tom,s]

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the benefits of having a bit on the side.

The artist talks about how his extra-marital fling brings passion, insights to his soul, and the thrill of the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer says he constantly worries about being seen out with his girlfriend because it could lead to divorce, huge legal fees and bankruptcy.

The computer scientist says: "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. So I can spend all night on the computer!"

[Jackie B]

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a �250 see-through nightgown

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who saidm "My word, for �250 they could`ve at least ironed it!"