Official Jokes Thread

[Jackie B]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and say`s, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. the line of men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied,"I don`t know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Jackie B]

The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served the food and drinks.as the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn`t moved a muscle. "perhaps you didn`t hear me over those big brute engines but i asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said "in my country, i am called a princess and i take orders from no one."

to which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"well, sweet-cheeks, in my country i`m called a Queen, so i out rank you. tray-up, bee-och."

[tom,s]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then
she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and
screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

[tom,s]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the
moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the Sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're Going at
night!"

[Jackie B]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor flat when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
while she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked,"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you ******?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to god for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the 8th floor. "I suck! I ******!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

[tom,s]

Marriage or Prison?


A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

[tom,s]

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?"

"A horsey, "one child answers.

"And this?" the teacher asks.

"A piggy," replies another youngster.

"And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers.

There was no answer, only total silence.

"Come now, children, "she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?"

"I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It's a horny ********!"

[Jackie B]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. it`s a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie`s lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?, says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! when I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

our hero tears open her blouse, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breast.

"Pierre! what are you doing?, asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!.

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. standing waist deep,Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously.

"PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! when i go down, i go down in flames!.

[tom,s]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland and asks the bartender about the
quickest was to get to Dublin. The barkeep replies, "Are you walking or
driving?"
The Irishman says that he is driving.
The barkeep says, "That's the quickest way!"

[Jackie B]

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn`t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first."Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming next week to give him first communion and confirmation,"

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "Well, brothers, you KNOW that we don`t sprinkle! I went out and I found a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from Gods Holy word! But the bear wanted nothing to do with me, So I took hold of him and we began towrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down anotheruntil we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed, He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. the Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."