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HW Techie
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19-07-2007 09:41 PM
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Joined: 06 Nov 2003
Posts: 1702
My Profile
| Bex suggested it would be easier to keep all the jokes in one place :)
I'll start us off -
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
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My Latest Review: May 2007 Sunrise Beach Paraiso Playa Hotel, Playa De Jandia (8/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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24-07-2008 07:04 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
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| One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 03:45 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
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| A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened?
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!"
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 03:50 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.'
'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.'
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 03:56 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy...any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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25-07-2008 04:05 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| MISS UNIVERSE INTERVIEW
MISS WORLD Questions -
Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen. Question: How can you say so? Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman............................
Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull) Question: How can you say so? Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....
Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors. Question: How can you say so? Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth......
Question: Ms Soudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves. Question: How can you say so? Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door......
Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car. Question: How can you say so? Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................
Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose). Question: How can you say so? Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over.
Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.. Question: How can you say so? Ms India: Because it works day and night......
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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25-07-2008 04:07 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers. The little
boy says, "Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works
all night.
She sleeps during the day" The salesman scratches his head and
says, "Well, I'll be a son of a ****" The little boy replies, "I'm
a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells
and telling them about it."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 06:53 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, " I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 07:00 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| The ABC's of Aging... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I am keeping twenty-six doctor s fully employed!!!
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 07:13 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she is engaged to be married. She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams. He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces, and a jet airplane. There is only one problem....he says he really likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"
The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".
The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for another thing as long as you live."
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.
They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon. During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her mother asks her why she is so angry.
"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now it's as big as a two pound coin!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly £1.99p?"
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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25-07-2008 07:25 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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26-07-2008 01:48 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| Alex, a widower, went to a senior citizen's dance.
There he met Ruth, a woman also advanced in years.
Alex and Ruth danced every dance together.
Afterward, they went out for coffee. As they walked home, Ruth said, "You remind me of my fourth husband."
Alex said, "Really? How many times have you been married?"
Ruth said, "Three."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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26-07-2008 07:33 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day,
they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddystepped out of the boat ...
and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,'
he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like
my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather
were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born
in July, you frickin' idiot.'
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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26-07-2008 08:28 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. Out of the blue the king asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken back. However, she remembers what her boss told her... don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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26-07-2008 08:32 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Blackpool for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the sand, we made love almost every night, we..."
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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26-07-2008 08:36 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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27-07-2008 01:12 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| Once upon a time there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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27-07-2008 01:15 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So, he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this!"
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little--but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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27-07-2008 01:17 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1689
My Profile
| Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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27-07-2008 03:57 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun.. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exception ally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Rondetto
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27-07-2008 05:29 PM
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Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Posts: 2784
My Profile
| A man bumped into a lady by the lobby and said, "If your heart is as soft as your boobs you will forgive me"
She replied saying, "if your dick is a hard as your elbow I am in Room 112".
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My Latest Review: Oct 2008 Avenida Hotel, Benidorm (9/10) + Photos
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Official Jokes Thread - Page 151
