Official Jokes Thread

[isawlashings]

Cricketer takes a bad fall and dislocates his shoulder. Taken to hospital, there's a fair bit of noise as nurse tries to relocate it.

"Come on, now. There's a woman down the hall has just given birth to a nine pound baby, and she didn't make half the fuss you are."

"That may as be, but you try putting it back and see how loud she gets!"

[Jackie B]

a man and his wife were sitting at a table at the mans high school reunion, the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

the wife asked 2do you know her?"

"yes" said the man "she`s my old girlfriend. i understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and i hear she hasn`t been sober since"

"my goodness!"said the wife. "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[BonJovi]

one day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. she thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked over to her towel.Then a little girl came running up to her "if youre" going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose".

[Jackie B]

these are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.


Attorney:atr yoyu sexually active/
witness;No, I just lie there.

Attorney: what is your date of birth?
witness: july 18th
Attorney:what year?
witness: every year

Attorney:what gear were you in at the moment of impact?
witness:Gucci sweats and reeboks

Attorney:this myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
witness:yes.
Attorney and in what way does it afect your memory?
witness:i forget
Attorney:you forget?can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney:How old is your son,the one living wioth you?
witness:thirty-eight or thirty -five i can`t rember which/
Attoorney:how long has he lived with you?
witness:forty-five years

Attorney;what was the first thing your husband said to you that morning
Witness:he said "where am i, Cathy?"
Attorney:And why did that upset you?
witness:my name is susan.

Attorney:Do you know if your Daughter has ever been involved in voodoo/
witness: we both do.
attorney:voodoo
witness:we do
attorney you do?
witness:yes voodoo.

Attorney:Now doctor,isn`t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn`t know about it until next morning/
witness:Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney:The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,how old is he?
witness:Uh, he`s twenty-one.

Attorney:were you present when your picture was taken/
witness:would you repeat the question/

Attorney:so the date of conception(of the baby)was august8th?
Witness:yes.
Attorney:And what were you doing at the time/
Witness:uh...

Attorney:she hafd three children,right?
Witness:yes.
Attorney:how many were boys?
Witness:none.
Attorney:were there any girls?

Attorney:How was your first marraige terminated?
Witness:By death.
Attorney:And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney:Can you describe the individual?
Witness;He was about medium height and had a beard.
attorney;Was this a male or female/

Attorney;Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which i sent to your attorney?
witness:No this is how i dress when i go to work.

Attorney:doctor,how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness;All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney:all your responses MUSTbe oral,OK?what school did you go to?
Witness:Oral.

Attorney:Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
witness;The autopsey started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney and Mr.Denton was dead at the time/
Witness:No, he was sitting on the table wondering why i was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness:Huh?

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse/
Witness:No.
Attorney:Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness:No.
Attorney:Did you check for breathing?
Witness:No.
Attorney:so,then it is possable that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy/
Witness:No.
Attorney;How can you be so sure ,Doctor/
Witness;Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Attorney:But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
Witness:yes,it is possable that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[paul woodhouse]

three bears come after a long day out walking in the woods,
mummy bear says 'who's been sleeping in my bed,
baby bear says' who's been sleeping in my bed,
daddy bear says' forget the beds somebody's robbed the plasma.....

[BonJovi]

A person was asked if he talked to his wife after having s-x....... the man replied: yea sure i do .... if i can find the phone.

[Jackie B]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions,he observed.

to the first mother, he said, Mary, you are so obsessed with eating, you`ve even named your Daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mum,Ann. your obsession is with money, so much so that it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny.

he turned to the third mum,Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. this too shows itself in your childs name, Brandy.

At this point, the fourth mother,Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, come on willy we`re leaving.

[tom,s]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping
with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every
imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, You was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees





Ees
Eees a Ham Bush!!!!!

[Jackie B]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"what are you doing?" she asked.
"hunting flies" he replied
"oh. !killing any?" she asked.
"yep, 3 males,2 females," he replied.
"how can you tell them apart" she asked.

He responded
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone"

[tom,s]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the �50 "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."