Official Jokes Thread

[tom,s]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!


Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."


The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton
and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Jackie B]

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentary work for a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol who was nailing down house sides reached into her nail pouch, pulled out a nail, and either tossed it over her shoulder or nailed it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completey upset and yelled, "You moron! those nails are not upside down , They`re for the otherside of the house!"

[Jackie B]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the winter"

[Jackie B]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I`m not shooting the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 for my teeth streightened. I`m not shooting my self in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a big bang so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Jackie B]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks sympathetically, "What`s the matter?" The blonde replies, "Earlier today I got a phone call saying my mother had passed away." The boss feels sorry for her and says, "Why don`t you go home for the day? take the day off to rest."
"Thanks, but i`d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and have a better chance of doing that here.
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours later the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office to see the blonde crying hysterically.
"What`s so bad now? are you going to be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclained the blonde. "I just received a horrable call from my sister. Her mothers died too."

[Rondetto]

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

* It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen * 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. * The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

* Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his ****** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get CNN.

[Rondetto]

Sick Notes



These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s. [note: words in ( )'s were crossed out] .

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being.It was his father's fault.

15. I kept billie home because she had to go christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer fo! R missing school yesterday. We
forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Ple ase excuse jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever,sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!

[Rondetto]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After five ... 10 ... 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband, who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

[Rondetto]

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!"

Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you say?!"

"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and said "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"

[Rondetto]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

.

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

.

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.