Official Jokes Thread
Official Jokes Thread
by BonJovi on Sat Jul 21, 2007 2:35 am
There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy One is to take her shopping. The rest is 69
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BonJovi - Posts: 0
- Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:12 am
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 10:49 am
Men & Women Revisited
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
* * *
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
* * *
A successful man is one who makes more money
Than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
* * *
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
And love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
& not try to understand her at all.
* * *
Married men lived longer than single man,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
* * *
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* * *
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
* * *
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
But he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
And she does.
* * *
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
Is the beginning of a new argument.
* * *
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
* * *
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
* * *
A successful man is one who makes more money
Than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
* * *
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
And love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
& not try to understand her at all.
* * *
Married men lived longer than single man,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
* * *
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* * *
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
* * *
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
But he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
And she does.
* * *
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that
Is the beginning of a new argument.
* * *
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
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tom,s - Posts: 69
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- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:33 pm
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 12:34 pm
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
**** Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen!
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man!
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
**** Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen!
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:44 pm
A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 1:46 pm
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:44 pm
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by tom,s on Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:17 pm
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times
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tom,s - Posts: 69
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 3:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
Official Jokes Thread
by BonJovi on Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:58 pm
Q Whatdid the blonde ask Santa claus for christmas?
A five golden dings,
Fourcallingnerds,
Three french men,
Twopurplegloves,
And a bar fridge and a party.
A five golden dings,
Fourcallingnerds,
Three french men,
Twopurplegloves,
And a bar fridge and a party.
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BonJovi - Posts: 0
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Official Jokes Thread
by BonJovi on Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:03 am
Q. why are Dumb Blonde Jokes so short.?
A. So Brunettes can Remember Them.
A. So Brunettes can Remember Them.
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