Pavarotti arrives at the Pearly Gates and rings the bell to be let
in.
St Peter opens up and says, "Oh it's you Luciano, come on in,
squeeze
through".
Pavarotti says, "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the
Pope".
St Peter opens it up and reads it.....
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
Official Jokes Thread
by Rondetto on Sun Sep 09, 2007 14:08 pm
If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball
After an all-night party a hung over young gay is feeling very sore in his anus. Going to his proctologist, he's surprised when the doctor announces, "Young man, did you know that you have a dozen roses up here?"
Turning excitedly, the gay cried, "Oooh, read the card! Read the card!"
Republigayphilia:
The urge for male, gay-hating Republicans to suck ******.
How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature ******?
When he comes walking in the door.
Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
A policeman was arresting a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!"
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering a free demo."
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball
After an all-night party a hung over young gay is feeling very sore in his anus. Going to his proctologist, he's surprised when the doctor announces, "Young man, did you know that you have a dozen roses up here?"
Turning excitedly, the gay cried, "Oooh, read the card! Read the card!"
Republigayphilia:
The urge for male, gay-hating Republicans to suck ******.
How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature ******?
When he comes walking in the door.
Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.
A policeman was arresting a prostitute.
Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!"
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?"
Prostitute: "I'm selling condoms and offering a free demo."
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Sun Sep 09, 2007 14:10 pm
1-She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
2-She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3-She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
4-She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5-She tried to drown a fish.
6-She thought a quarterback was a refund.
7-She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
8-She tripped over a cordless phone.
9-She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
10-She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
11-She studied for a pretest.
12-She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
13-When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
14-When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
15-When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
2-She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3-She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
4-She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5-She tried to drown a fish.
6-She thought a quarterback was a refund.
7-She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
8-She tripped over a cordless phone.
9-She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
10-She asked for a price check at the dollar store.
11-She studied for a pretest.
12-She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
13-When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
14-When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
15-When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Sun Sep 09, 2007 17:05 pm
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he
was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom
into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up
job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he
was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom
into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up
job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Sun Sep 09, 2007 18:08 pm
Two Yokels, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take maths, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the Yokel.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the Yokel responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the Yokel shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a *******, ain't ya?"
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take maths, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the Yokel.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the Yokel responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the Yokel shouted, "AMAZING!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter waswaiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter asks, "What isis logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a *******, ain't ya?"
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Mon Sep 10, 2007 18:31 pm
CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
47 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent 12 Calories
Without her consent 2,187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands 8 Calories
With one hand 12 Calories
With your teeth 485 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection 6 Calories
Without an erection 3,315 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary 12 Calories
69 lying down 78 Calories
69 standing up 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow 216 Calories
Doggy Style 326 Calories
Italian chandelier 2,912 Calories
ORGASMS:
Real 112 Calories
Fake 1,315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging 18 Calories
Getting up immediately 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years 36 Calories
30-39 years 80 Calories
40-49 years 124 Calories
50-59 years 1,972 Calories
60-69 years 7,916 Calories
70 and over Results are still pending
DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly.. 32 Calories
In a hurry 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door 5,218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door 13,521 Calories
Results may vary!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD
Right now, as you read this,
47 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!!
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Mon Sep 10, 2007 18:39 pm
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, specially when working under your vehicle.
This story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the car park.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, specially when working under your vehicle.
This story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Asda, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the car park.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Tue Sep 11, 2007 17:37 pm
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good
and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is
your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good
and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She
started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the
door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is
your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Rondetto on Tue Sep 11, 2007 18:02 pm
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains, sent him to the United States where he became President, and now half the country is out looking for work."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains, sent him to the United States where he became President, and now half the country is out looking for work."
-
Rondetto - Posts: 394
- Joined: Sat Feb 11, 2006 19:52 pm
- Location: Wales
by Carolmum on Tue Sep 11, 2007 21:00 pm
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the Cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem like he was mad at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. S%@t.!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's! throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and broke wind.
Well, the Hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the Cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem like he was mad at all.
Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. S%@t.!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's! throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and broke wind.
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