Official Jokes Thread

[Rondetto]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and
said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but
it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.


Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a
little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.


Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests
had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to
cure the itch.


The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,
Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.


The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his
payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't
have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to
the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.


The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching
powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

[Rondetto]

Grandma's on the net again, the kitchen's not her home,
She used to make us cherry pies, and call us on the phone.
She would talk to us for hours; now she leaves us all alone.
We miss her homemade biscuits, and I'll make this little bet, If you want to contact Grandma, you'll have to surf the net.

Grandma's surfing on the net, you bet. She is surfing on the net.
We've been calling her all morning, and we haven't got her yet.
She's on the E-mail network, with her electronic friends.
If you want to talk to grandma, you'll have to surf the net.
Grandma's getting older and her eyes are getting dim, Her random access memory, is half of what its been.
When Saint Peter comes to call someday, she'll say I can't go yet. He'll have to wait for Grandma, cause she's surfing on the net.

[Rondetto]

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up
some very sensitive information from an agent
called Murphy. His instructions were to walk
around town using a code phrase until he met
his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate
country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man
called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it
happens, there's a village right over the hill,
where there's a butcher called Murphy, the
baker is named Murphy, three widows are
called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man."
So he whispered the secret code. "The sun
is shining...the grass is growing...the cows
are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for
Murphy the spy - he's in the village over
the other direction."

[Rondetto]

Three gentlemen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street, singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs.
They come to a stop in front of Flaherty's house still singing. After a few minutes, the window flies open and Mrs. Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else."
"Are ye Mrs. Flaherty?" asks one of the drunks.
"Faith now, ye know full well that I am," says she.
"Well, could ye come down an' tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home."

[Rondetto]

There were these two elderly people retired to Benidorm. Laura and Jim living in a Spanish mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, Jim made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, Laura answered. "Yes, Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, Jim was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[Rondetto]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[Rondetto]

An old farmer called Smith was in a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy lawyer was questioning JuanSmith. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the lawyer.

JuanSmith responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the......"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!'?"

JuanSmith said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the motorway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in JuanSmith's answer, and told the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie."

JuanSmith thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well... as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge lorry ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Real soon a motorway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[Rondetto]

I have a problem.....

My pet wasp Cuthbert arrived home last night, a bit drunk.
He seems to have contracted an STD of some kind.
So I have been disinfecting him with dettol, and domestos.
Do you think this will work?

I think he has been visiting the local nest brothel?

I heard him buzzing outside my window last night, so I let him in.
He vomited on my carpet, called me a ********, then fell over.
When he woke up this morning, I made him coffee, and toast.
He told me his willy was really very itchy, and it hurt when he piddled.

Thing is, when I applied the dettol, and domestos, he took some kind of fit.
Then he flew into the goldfish bowl, and stayed there for ten minutes.

I'm just worried, he is being led astray, by some dirty female waspette.
What should I do? I'm ever so worried, bout my wee chum.

Any thoughts on this, will be gratefully received.

[Rondetto]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Rondetto]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco where he surprised her in the fruit & vegetable department. There he proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, but as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the fruit & vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper,the headline declared............










(....and you're going to love this).......













'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'