Official Jokes Thread

[Rondetto]

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for £500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done. Realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, he has his secretary send a check for £250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; and
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied. That there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note,

The girl immediately returned the check for £250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

[Rondetto]

"Good afternoon madame. My name is Walter and I am with BBC radio Merseyside radio station, better know as 85 FM. Perhaps you have heard about us".

The elderly lady squinted over her glasses and in a squeaky voice slowly answered "yes I have".

"Today I am talking to people on the street. Do you mind if I ask you a few personal questions? You don't have to answer if you don't want to".

"I really don't mind" she said.

"Would you mind telling our listening audience how old you are?"

"I will be 97 next month".

"My goodness that is wonderful. How long have you been a widow?"

"I'm not a widow young man-----".

"You mean to tell me that your husband is still alive?"

"He sure is".

"How old is he?"

"109" she answered.

"I have also wanted to ask an older couple a very personal question but I must tell you that it is of a very delicate nature. What our listening audience is waiting to hear is the answer to the question do you and your husband have mutual climax?"

She thought for a moment and replied "no I think we have Ford escort!!"

[Rondetto]

A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.

'The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.

'Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.

'This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?

''A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies. 'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Britney Spears style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?

'The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.

[Rondetto]

The butcher was working, and busily. He noticed a dog in his shop and shoo'd him away. Later, he noticed that the dog was back. He walked towards it, preparing to utter strong words, and noticed that the dog had a note in his mouth. The butcher took the note, and read it: "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?"
The butcher looked at the dog again, and saw a ten pound note tucked into his collar. So the butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and placed it in the dog's mouth. The dog trotted off down the road.
The butcher was very impressed, and since it was closing time, he threw his apron on the block, shouted to his assistant to lock up, and followed the dog. The dog walked down the street and came to a crossing. He put down the bag, jumped up and pressed the crossing button. Then he waited patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When they did, he walked across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then came to a bus stop, and started looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage.
The dog, having checked out the times, sat quietly on one of the seats to wait for the bus. When the bus arrived, the dog walked to the front of the bus, looked at the number, and returned to his seat. Another bus came.
Again the dog went and checked the number; satisfied that it was the right bus, he climbed on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him on to the bus. The bus traveled thru the town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up, moved to the front of the bus, and, standing on his hind legs, pushed the button to stop the bus.
The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still
following. The dog approached a house. He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. Then he walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself against the door. He went back down the path, took another run, and threw himself against the door again! There was no answer at the door, so the dog picked up his bag, jumped up onto a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. He got to a window, and banged his head against it several times. He then walked back, jumped off the
wall, and waited at the door.
The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, and started laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher ran up to stop the guy.
"What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever? I think not!

This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[Rondetto]

I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.

So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:
"Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"

When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."

[Rondetto]

TRUE STORY:

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.

There also used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.



This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years , then one day just didn't turn up for work...



"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......



"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...



"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?" .....



"Err NO!"



Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking daily the car park fees amounting to an estimated £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

[Rondetto]

A blonde goes to a pet store and ask one of the workers if she can buy a mouse there, the worker said "yes" and sold her one.
The next day the blonde comes back to return her mouse she just bought and get a different one from the same worker.
The worker says, "okay?" later she comes back again for a different mouse again, then again, and again.
The worker had enough of this and asks her, "Why do keep buying these mice and then returning them?"
Blonde says "None of them seem to be making my computer's arrow move"

[Rondetto]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are on top of a burning building, There's a group a people at the bottom with a net and they tell the redhead to jump. She jumps but they move the net and she dies. Next they tell the brunette to jump.

"I'm not jumping! I saw what you did to my friend!" she yells to them.

"We won't move for you we swear! We like brunettes!" they say.

So she jumps but, they move again and she dies. Now they tell the blonde to jump.

" I saw what you did to them but I'll jump down! But first you guys have to put the net down and back away!"

[Rondetto]

A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a
naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.

"No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight.

[Rondetto]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."