Official Jokes Thread

[tom,s]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:



"Please note that this Bank is installing new



Drive-through ATM machines



enabling customers to withdraw cash



without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are



requested to use the procedures outlined



below when accessing their accounts."



"After months of careful research, MALE



& FEMALE Procedures have been developed.



Please follow the appropriate



steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE:



1. Drive up to the cash machine.



2. Put down your car window.



3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.



4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.



5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.



6. Put window up.



7. Drive off.





FEMALE PROCEDURE:



Unfortunately, most of this part



is the Truth.!!!!



1. Drive up to cash machine.



2. Reverse and back up the required



amount to align car window with the machine.



3. Set parking brake, put the window down.



4. Find handbag, remove all contents



on to passenger seat to locate card.



5. Tell person on cell phone you will



call them back and hang up.



6. Attempt to insert card into machine.



7. Open car door to allow easier access



to machine due to its excessive distance



from the car.



8. Insert card.



9. Re-insert card the right way.



10. Dig through handbag to find diary;



with your PIN written on the inside back page.



11. Enter PIN.



12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.



13. Enter amount of cash required.



14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.



15. Retrieve cash and receipt.



16. Empty handbag again to locate



wallet and place cash inside.



17. Write debit amount in check register



and place receipt in back of checkbook.



18. Re-check makeup.



19. Drive forward 2 feet.



20. Reverse back to cash machine.



21. Retrieve card.



22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card



holder, and place card into the slot provided!



23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.



24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.



25. Redial person on cell phone.



26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.



27. Release Parking Brake.

[tom,s]

poor mary had just received her husbands ashes from the undertaker,she took them home and tipped them over a new white table cloth,slowly she rubbed her hands amongst the ashes and began talking to her late husband jim, darling do you remember that new washing machine you promised me ? well i had to get one with your insurance money, the new three piece?well i got that as well, and the new car you promised when i past my test 20 years ago?well i got that as well,pity your not here to see it my love, oh and while im here do you remember that blow job i promised you?

[tom,s]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not all that experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under
The sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he says, "I know dis you firss time
And you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting
You want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.

Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced,
Which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently
(and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies
Shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard
About... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with coriflour?

[tom,s]

This bloke in London dashes into a psychiatrist's office, throws
Himself to couch and says, "Doc, ya gotta help me. I think I'm a
Biscuit. What do you think?" The shrink strokes his chin thoughtfully
And asks, 'Are you square?" "Yes." "Do you have lots of little
Holes?" "Yes! Yes!" "And are you covered all over with a light
Sprinkling of salt?" "Yes! Yes! Yes!" "Then you're not a biscuit,
You're crackers!"

[tom,s]

"Bless me Father,for I

> > > >>

> > > >>have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

> > > >>

> > > >>The priest asks, "Is that you, Johnny Byrne?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"Yes, Father, it is."

> > > >>

> > > >>"And who was the girl you were with?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her

> > >reputation."

> > > >>

> > > >>"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later,

> > >so

> > > >>you

> > > >>may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"I cannot say."

> > > >>

> > > >>"Was it Teresa Brown?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"I'll never tell."

> > > >>

> > > >>"Was it Margaret Doyle?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

> > > >>

> > > >>"Was it Anne O' Neil?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"My lips are sealed."

> > > >>

> > > >>"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"

> > > >>

> > > >>"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

> > > >>

> > > >>The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped

> > >Johnny,

> > > >>and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You

> > >cannot

> > > >>be an

> > > >>altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

> > > >>

> > > >>Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over

> > >and

> > > >>whispers,

> > > >>"What'd you get?"

> > > >>

> > > >>Four months holiday and five good leads."

[tom,s]

THE LADYS PRAYER
My vibrator which brings me heaven,
Rabbit be thy name,
Till kingdom come,
Thy makest me ****,
On earth with eyes in heaven,
Give me this day my daily thrill,
And forgive me my screams as i forgive flat batterys,
Lead me not into temptation,
But deliver me from frustration,
For thine is the rotation,
The power and the buzzing
forever and ever
NO MEN

[tom,s]

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.


2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.


3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.


4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.


5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like P arking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[Rondetto]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that little beggar on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Rondetto]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a **** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[Rondetto]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."