Paddy says to mick, put the frosties back in the box you idiot!!
Most of my jokes are 'bad taste' so i wont post them in order not to offend people
Official Jokes Thread
by HW John on Tue Jul 24, 2007 21:16 pm
Mick said to paddy, help me with this jigsaw, its a tiger!
Paddy says to mick, put the frosties back in the box you idiot!!
Most of my jokes are 'bad taste' so i wont post them in order not to offend people
Paddy says to mick, put the frosties back in the box you idiot!!
Most of my jokes are 'bad taste' so i wont post them in order not to offend people
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HW John - Posts: 183
- Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2007 18:32 pm
- Location: 7 Miles High
by Hils on Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:03 am
Nine words women use...
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right
and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
And
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing Usually
end in
fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about
nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3.
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right
and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
And
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing Usually
end in
fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about
nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say
you're welcome.
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3.
-
Hils - Posts: 3
- Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 11:08 am
by tom,s on Sat Jul 28, 2007 07:51 am
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "For best results, put on two coats."
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tom,s - Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 14:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
by Jackie B on Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:11 am
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. as he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. the whisky bottles in each back pocket smashed, making the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirrow to see his buttocks were cut and bleeding. Quietly , he found a full box of plasters and began sticking them on his cuts the best he could. He then hid the almost empty plaster box and stumbled up to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with a searing pain in his head and backside and Mary staring at him from across the room. she said,"You were drunk again last night weren`t you?"
"What makes you say such a thing?"
"Well, Mary said, it could be the front door left open,the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house. it could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it`s all those plasters stuck on the hall mirrow."
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirrow to see his buttocks were cut and bleeding. Quietly , he found a full box of plasters and began sticking them on his cuts the best he could. He then hid the almost empty plaster box and stumbled up to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with a searing pain in his head and backside and Mary staring at him from across the room. she said,"You were drunk again last night weren`t you?"
"What makes you say such a thing?"
"Well, Mary said, it could be the front door left open,the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house. it could be the bloodshot eyes, but mostly....it`s all those plasters stuck on the hall mirrow."
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Jackie B - Posts: 26
- Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2007 06:16 am
by tom,s on Mon Jul 30, 2007 12:04 pm
ENGLAND-FRANCE
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. ?In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. ?In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England ."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."
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tom,s - Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 14:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
by tom,s on Mon Jul 30, 2007 12:09 pm
Doctor iain from cumbria had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all Day long.
.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in
His head that said: "iain, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
Won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
Reality.
Whispering......
iain.......
iain.......
iain.......
iain........
iain........
iain........
........you're a vet and yes it is iain with two i's.lol.
.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in
His head that said: "iain, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you
Won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to
Reality.
Whispering......
iain.......
iain.......
iain.......
iain........
iain........
iain........
........you're a vet and yes it is iain with two i's.lol.
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tom,s - Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 14:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
by tom,s on Tue Jul 31, 2007 07:50 am
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but
you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door
to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and
over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his
fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks
here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but
you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door
to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and
over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his
fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore
with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing
that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all
day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
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tom,s - Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 14:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
by Jackie B on Wed Aug 01, 2007 08:33 am
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.at the checkout ,the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he`d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door,"Oh, i`m so excited for you to meet my parents!Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl`s parents are seated. the boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist!"
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.at the checkout ,the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he`d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door,"Oh, i`m so excited for you to meet my parents!Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl`s parents are seated. the boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist!"
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Jackie B - Posts: 26
- Joined: Mon Apr 23, 2007 06:16 am
by tom,s on Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:36 am
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
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tom,s - Posts: 72
- Joined: Sat Mar 17, 2007 14:06 pm
- Location: floating in space
by paul woodhouse on Wed Aug 01, 2007 15:13 pm
teddy bear gets a job on a building site, after dinner he goes to see the foreman. he says to the foreman 'that pic you gave me this morning has been pinched...
foreman replies i knew it would,
because today's the day that teddy bears have their pic-nicked.....
foreman replies i knew it would,
because today's the day that teddy bears have their pic-nicked.....
- paul woodhouse
- Posts: 1
- Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2007 12:32 pm
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