Official Jokes Thread

[Rondetto]

A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the ******.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many."

[Jackie B]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immedetiately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer`s mule reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

at the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted everone as they walked by, the pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes2 and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered something to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replyed "The women would say, `what a terrable tragedy` and i would nod my head and say yes it was, the men would ask, you wanna sell that mule? and i would shake my head and say can`t it`s booked up for a year,"

[Jackie B]

Two blondes had driven across the country to see DISNEY WORLD in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

[Jackie B]

A man coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The pastor said to him."You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I`m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.2

Pastor questioned, "How come I don`t see you except at christmas and easter?"

He whispered back, "I`m in the secret service."

[Jackie B]

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage, all those nights when i told you i was working late, i was with other women, and not just one woman either, but I`ve slept with dozens of them" his wife looked at him calmly and said "Why do you think i gave you the poison?"

[Jackie B]

Three golfing buddies died in a car accident and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they noticed the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. St.Peter told them they were welcome to play the course, but he cautioned them with one rule: "Don`t step on the ducks."

The men had blank expressions on their faces, and finally one of them said, "The ducks?" "Yes," St. peter said. "There are millions of ducks walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, and then the one next to him squawks, and soon they`re all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you step on the ducks you`ll be punished."

the men start playing the course, and within 15 minutes, one of the guys stepped on a duck. The duck squawked, and soon there was a deafening roar of ducks quacking. St peter appeared with an extremely ugly woman and asked, "Who stepped on a duck?" "I did," admitted one of the men. "I told you not to step on the ducks," he said. "Now you`ll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The two other men were very cautious not to step on any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. the quacks were deafening as before, and within minutes, St.peter walked up with a woman who was even uglier than the other one. He determined who stepped on the duck by seeing the fear in the man�s face, and cuffed him to the woman. "I told you not to step on the ducks," St.peter said. "Now you will be handcuffed together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful, Some days he wouldn`t even move for fear of nudging a duck. After three months of this, he still hadn`t stepped on a duck. St.peter walked up to the man and had a with him the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. peter smiled and without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, Let out a sigh and said, "What have i done to deserve this?" The woman replied: "I don`t know about you, but i stepped on a duck."

[Jackie B]

The Loneranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Loneranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Loneranger ponders for a minute then says,"Asronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologicall, it tells me saturn is in leo."

"Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning."

"Theologicall, it tells me that the lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorlogically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What`s it tell you Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole our tent."

[Jackie B]

Three dummies decide to go hunting, the first one say`s he`s going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks , I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he is going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks, i follow tracks, i get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I`m just gonna shoot at anything i see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totelly trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[tom,s]

The Rules for Being Human


1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it
Will be yours for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in an informal
School called Life. Each day in this school, you will have
The opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons
Or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a pro-
Cess of trial and error. Experimentation. ! The "failed"
Experiments are as much a part of the process as the
Experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be
Presented to you in various forms until you have learned
It. You can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of
Life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive,
There are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there"
Has become a "here," you will simply obtain another
"there" that will again look better than " here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love
Or hate something about another person unless it
Reflects something you either love or hate about
Yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all
The tools and resources you need. What you do with
Them is up to you. The choice is yours..

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to Life's
Questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look,
Listen and trust.

[tom,s]

A Texan is walking through a field, sees a Mexican drinking
Water from a pool with one of his hands.

The Texan shouts to the Mexican,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that
Water,,,, It has cowshit in it!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mexican shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo ingl�s.
H�bleme espa�ol.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. Speak Spanish to me)

The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted
conseguir� m�s para beber."
(Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)