Official Jokes Thread

[tom,s]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
Saturday morning. The first of the twosome
teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and
he immediately clasped his hands together
at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologize. She said, "Please allow
me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...
I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied
breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together
at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed
her to help him. She gently took his hands
away and laid them to the side, she loosened
his pants,and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him,
"How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but
my thumb still hurts like hell."

[tom,s]

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'. So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'. And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:

'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

[Rondetto]

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach.

He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get
her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes
directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD,
how could you?

Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother?
Haven't I been a wonderful mother?

Haven't I kept a kosher home?

Haven't I given to charity?

Haven't I lit candles every Friday night?

Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of? "

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhe re and crashes on the
beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and
splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

[Jackie B]

A man went to the Pension`s office to apply for his old age pension, the woman behind the desk asked him for his drivers license to verify his age, he searched his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home.He told the woman "I will have to go home and come back later" the woman then said "unbutton your shirt" so he opened his shirt revealing curly silver hair, she said " that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me"and processed the pension application.
When he returned home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the pension office. she commented, "you should have dropped your pants you might have got a disability allowence"

[Jackie B]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their seperate hotel rooms,
The first dwarf, hoeever, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "here i come again, ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
in the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "how did it go?" the first mutters, " It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn`t get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "you think that`s embarrassing?" "I couldn`t even get on the bed."

[Hils]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.



Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Hils]

Management lesson number 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the Next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you �800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her �800 and leaves.



The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the �800 he owes me?"



Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[tom,s]

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

[tom,s]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, ''Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get my slipper?" ''No bother'' he says and runs upstairs. He entered the bedroom and Paddys' stunning 19 year old twin daughters were sitting on the bed! ''Hello girls, your Dad sent me up here to s**g ye both.'' ''F**k off ya liar'' they said. ''I'll prove it'' said Murphy, so he shouts down stairs... ''Both of them Paddy?'' ''Of course ya prat, whats the use of f**kin' one!"

[tom,s]

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were
Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was
Sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but
Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was
Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized
That Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done in the first place