Official Jokes Thread

[tom,s]

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her
full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the
corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,
his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft
murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly
released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of
surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare
flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory,
boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his
movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her
every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had
gone unfulfilled for so long.

And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he
paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too
big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into
place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and
contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of
gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long
before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She
would want to do it again and again and again............

Don't ya just love shopping for shoes!

[tom,s]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

A Christmas tree?"

Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[HW iaintwoeyes]

Ouch.....bumped!

[tom,s]

Police warn all male clubbers , party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a drug called beer, that is essentially; in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks.

Please! Forward this to every male you know......

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory creatures administering them, there are male support groups with venues in every suburb where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly affected like minded guys. For the nearest venue near you just look up Pub in the yellow pages.

[Jackie B]

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day`s work to relax. he noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. the man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.
this continued several times before the man`s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the Guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn`t help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"
The man replied, "There`s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I`m heading home!"

[Jackie B]

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 2Lord, I have a problem."
"What`s the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I`m not happy�
"Why is that ,Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but i am lonely."
"Well adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a `woman`for you."
"What`s a `woman`,lord?"
"This `woman`will be the most intellegent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. she will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. she will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. she will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great"
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this `woman` cost me Lord?.Adam replies.
"She`ll cost you an arm, a leg, an eye, an ear and a **********."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face, finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

[Jackie B]

A scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his own business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky.The bartender serves him, the man drinks his whisky then starts walking out the door.the bartender says "Hey arn`t you going to pay for that?" the man says, "Excuse me, Castro`s Army." The bartender says, "All right then2 and the man leaves.

a few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey arn`t you going to pay for that? " The man says, "Excuse me, Castro`s Army." The bartender says "All right then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.The bartender says "Excuse m, arn`t you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, " Excuse me, Castro`s Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. he lifts his kilt and says, "Secret service!"

[Jackie B]

An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.2

the old man says without hesitation-"I now pronounce you man and wife."

[Jackie B]

a little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a Priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn`t wear his collar like that"
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the father of many."
The boy said,"My Dad has 4 boys,4 girls, and 2 grandchildren and he doesn`t wear his collar that way."
The Priest, getting impatient, said,"I`m the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for awhile, then leaned over and whispered,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[tom,s]

paddy is on who wants to be a millionaire, chris tarrant asks 'for �200, who was the great train robber. a) ronnie corbett. b) ronnie wood. c) ronnie barker or d) ronnie biggs?' paddy say's 'I've had a great day chris but I'm going to take the money' Astonished chris replies ' but you've still got 3 lifelines, you're not that thick are you paddy?' Paddy says ' I might be thick chris, but I'm certainly no grass'