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HW Techie
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19-07-2007 09:41 PM
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Joined: 06 Nov 2003
Posts: 1704
My Profile
| Bex suggested it would be easier to keep all the jokes in one place :)
I'll start us off -
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
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My Latest Review: May 2007 Sunrise Beach Paraiso Playa Hotel, Playa De Jandia (8/10) + Photos
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tom,s
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19-07-2007 10:16 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1526
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| ok here goes,
A man makes this suggestion to his wife,
"Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
His wife responds with,
"Yes, I would really like that.
Tonight, you stand by the ironing board
And I'll lay on the couch and watch TV."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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BonJovi
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19-07-2007 10:18 PM
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Joined: 16 Jun 2007
Posts: 67
My Profile
| thats a man s joke really funny not
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BonJovi
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19-07-2007 10:23 PM
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Joined: 16 Jun 2007
Posts: 67
My Profile
| WHAT do michael jackson and plastic bags have in common?
They are both made out of plastic
and are Dangerous for children to play with.
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tom,s
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20-07-2007 11:58 AM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1526
My Profile
| After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of
Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she
Peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people
She had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
Began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've
Been waiting for you. Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such
A wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed
Her into Heaven.
About two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked
Her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband
Arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband
Told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of
You while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the
Little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And
My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on
Vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my
Head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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paul woodhouse
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20-07-2007 02:25 PM
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Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 242
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| bloke walks in a music shop and asks the assistant , do they sell mouthorgans, the assistant replies thats strange, we have just had o lady in here not more than ten minutes ago, asking for the same thing.
that will be my sister our monica....the man replies
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My Latest Review: Jun 2007 Golden Donaire Park Hotel, La Pineda (9/10)
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paul woodhouse
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20-07-2007 02:43 PM
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Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 242
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| bloke comes home from work. says to his wife.' a mate at work as just told me that the window cleaner as slept with every women in this avenue bar-one. his wife replies. ' that will be that miserable cow at number 10.......
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My Latest Review: Jun 2007 Golden Donaire Park Hotel, La Pineda (9/10)
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paul woodhouse
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20-07-2007 02:55 PM
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Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 242
My Profile
| monkey walking through the jungle, with a banana in one hand and a tin-opener in the other. a lion see's the monkey and says you dont need a tin-opener to open a banana. monkey replies.
its not for the banana its for the custard.....
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My Latest Review: Jun 2007 Golden Donaire Park Hotel, La Pineda (9/10)
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isawlashings
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20-07-2007 03:06 PM
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Joined: 13 Sep 2006
Posts: 227
My Profile
| Cricketer takes a bad fall and dislocates his shoulder. Taken to hospital, there's a fair bit of noise as nurse tries to relocate it.
"Come on, now. There's a woman down the hall has just given birth to a nine pound baby, and she didn't make half the fuss you are."
"That may as be, but you try putting it back and see how loud she gets!"
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My Latest Review: Jun 2008 Ibiscus Hotel, Rhodes Town (10/10)
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Jackie B
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20-07-2007 04:44 PM
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Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 410
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| a man and his wife were sitting at a table at the mans high school reunion, the man kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
the wife asked 2do you know her?"
"yes" said the man "she`s my old girlfriend. i understand she took to drinking right after we split up many years ago, and i hear she hasn`t been sober since"
"my goodness!"said the wife. "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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My Latest Review: Sep 2007 Mirador Del Atlantico Aparthotel, Playa Amadores (10/10)
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BonJovi
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20-07-2007 06:01 PM
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Joined: 16 Jun 2007
Posts: 67
My Profile
| one day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. she thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked over to her towel.Then a little girl came running up to her "if youre" going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose".
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Jackie B
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20-07-2007 06:04 PM
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Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 410
My Profile
| these are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
Attorney:atr yoyu sexually active/
witness;No, I just lie there.
Attorney: what is your date of birth?
witness: july 18th
Attorney:what year?
witness: every year
Attorney:what gear were you in at the moment of impact?
witness:Gucci sweats and reeboks
Attorney:this myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
witness:yes.
Attorney and in what way does it afect your memory?
witness:i forget
Attorney:you forget?can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney:How old is your son,the one living wioth you?
witness:thirty-eight or thirty -five i can`t rember which/
Attoorney:how long has he lived with you?
witness:forty-five years
Attorney;what was the first thing your husband said to you that morning
Witness:he said "where am i, Cathy?"
Attorney:And why did that upset you?
witness:my name is susan.
Attorney:Do you know if your Daughter has ever been involved in voodoo/
witness: we both do.
attorney:voodoo
witness:we do
attorney you do?
witness:yes voodoo.
Attorney:Now doctor,isn`t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn`t know about it until next morning/
witness:Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney:The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,how old is he?
witness:Uh, he`s twenty-one.
Attorney:were you present when your picture was taken/
witness:would you repeat the question/
Attorney:so the date of conception(of the baby)was august8th?
Witness:yes.
Attorney:And what were you doing at the time/
Witness:uh...
Attorney:she hafd three children,right?
Witness:yes.
Attorney:how many were boys?
Witness:none.
Attorney:were there any girls?
Attorney:How was your first marraige terminated?
Witness:By death.
Attorney:And by whose death was it terminated?
Attorney:Can you describe the individual?
Witness;He was about medium height and had a beard.
attorney;Was this a male or female/
Attorney;Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which i sent to your attorney?
witness:No this is how i dress when i go to work.
Attorney:doctor,how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness;All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Attorney:all your responses MUSTbe oral,OK?what school did you go to?
Witness:Oral.
Attorney:Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
witness;The autopsey started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney and Mr.Denton was dead at the time/
Witness:No, he was sitting on the table wondering why i was doing an autopsy on him!
Attorney:Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness:Huh?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse/
Witness:No.
Attorney:Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness:No.
Attorney:Did you check for breathing?
Witness:No.
Attorney:so,then it is possable that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy/
Witness:No.
Attorney;How can you be so sure ,Doctor/
Witness;Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Attorney:But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
Witness:yes,it is possable that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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My Latest Review: Sep 2007 Mirador Del Atlantico Aparthotel, Playa Amadores (10/10)
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paul woodhouse
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20-07-2007 07:00 PM
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Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 242
My Profile
| three bears come after a long day out walking in the woods,
mummy bear says 'who's been sleeping in my bed,
baby bear says' who's been sleeping in my bed,
daddy bear says' forget the beds somebody's robbed the plasma.....
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My Latest Review: Jun 2007 Golden Donaire Park Hotel, La Pineda (9/10)
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BonJovi
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20-07-2007 07:17 PM
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Joined: 16 Jun 2007
Posts: 67
My Profile
| A person was asked if he talked to his wife after having s-x....... the man replied: yea sure i do .... if i can find the phone.
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Jackie B
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20-07-2007 08:17 PM
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Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 410
My Profile
| A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,he observed.
to the first mother, he said, Mary, you are so obsessed with eating, you`ve even named your Daughter Candy.
He turned to the second Mum,Ann. your obsession is with money, so much so that it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny.
he turned to the third mum,Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. this too shows itself in your childs name, Brandy.
At this point, the fourth mother,Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, come on willy we`re leaving.
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My Latest Review: Sep 2007 Mirador Del Atlantico Aparthotel, Playa Amadores (10/10)
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tom,s
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20-07-2007 08:50 PM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1526
My Profile
| Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden.......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping
with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every
imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ...Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine
gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is
mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, You was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush!!!!!
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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Jackie B
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20-07-2007 09:47 PM
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Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 410
My Profile
| A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"what are you doing?" she asked.
"hunting flies" he replied
"oh. !killing any?" she asked.
"yep, 3 males,2 females," he replied.
"how can you tell them apart" she asked.
He responded
"3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone"
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My Latest Review: Sep 2007 Mirador Del Atlantico Aparthotel, Playa Amadores (10/10)
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tom,s
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21-07-2007 12:00 AM
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Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 1526
My Profile
| A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 pounds?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50 "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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My Latest Review: Jan 2008 Club Siroco Apartments, Costa Teguise (10/10) + Photos
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1 2 3 > >> |
Official Jokes Thread
